Today must have been a usual Wednesday afternoon for most folks. It was slightly different for me, since I hadn't gone to work. So I decided to watch a documentary instead of a movie while having lunch.
On Netflix, there are a number of documentaries, one of them in particular stood out - Bachelor Girls. Reading the summary, I knew it was about single girls in Mumbai trying to find accommodation. The first thought in my mind was 'been there, done that, let's give this a miss'. Then for some reason, I decided to watch it. Kind of glad I did, cause it gave me major throwback to some years ago when I was in that situation.
I decided to share my story today, simply because things need to change. If you want 'women empowerment', and 'equality at the workplace', it needs to start with the basics. So here goes...
In November 2012, I moved to Mumbai, my mother's city, after landing a job with one of the fastest growing financial groups in India. When I moved, my mom wanted me to live with her sister. I insisted that I wanted my own place and my father and sister supported me!
I stayed with my aunt for about a month or 2 and then decided to 'fly from the nest'. Of course since it was my first accommodation, on my own, living alone, in a big city, everyone jumped on-board to help make sure I had a 'safe' and 'known' place to move into. One of my aunt and uncle's friend was a real estate agent and he helped me find a place which was a 10 minutes walk from their house.
My parents were a bit at ease that I was near enough to them that if needed I had help nearby. I agreed. So In January 2013, I moved into my own place.
Having my own place was fun. Living in a city on my own was even more fun. My weekends were spent either with my friends or with my cousins and my house had become the 'adda' house or the place to hang out - especially for me and my then best friend (who was a guy). So since February, I would often have either my friends, or my cousins over. In May, we decided to have a cousins meet-up at my place because my sister had come down from Delhi.
My cousin brother, who is a well known doctor in the area, had parked his car inside our complex (he had done this countless times before). The watchman (an old man, who was always high on something) came up and told us it is not allowed (first time in 5 months he decided to come tell us that). He said he wanted Rs. 100 to let the matter go. I was going to just give it to him so the matter ends there, but my brother reminded me that it is basically him bribing us for something that wasn't even against the rules or anything. So we decided not to give in and told him to go tell whoever he had to. My cousin knew many people in the building so was sure it wouldn't become an issue.
Sure enough, that never became an issue. But my landlord did reach out to me. He said 'the guard has told me you keep having friends over, in particular a man..' I cut him off and said 'yes, I do have friends over, but recently, I've only had my cousins over'. He ended the conversation by telling me to just inform him about the next time I have any friend over.
Personally I felt it was a violation of my privacy, but I didn't bring up the topic with any of my family members who helped me get the house, simply because I felt I didn't want to hurt them with such a trivial issue.
Unfortunately, a couple of days later, my grandmother passed away. I was out of town for around a week. When I came back, I decided to try and not have friends over, simply because I didn't like the idea of having to constantly tell someone about every move I made. I was 26 years old and working as a Deputy Manager - I shouldn't have had to tell a stranger about who I chose to meet in my house.
I still did it a few times (twice). The third time, my landlord came to the house and asked me - you have a man in the house. I was quite shocked. I told him I have already told you about my friend being here. He just simply told me 'this is not your house, if you want to do such things, you need to leave this place. Give me your notice and go. I can otherwise take it up with the broker who connected me to your aunt and uncle and you'.
I had had enough. I told him ok, my lease is over at the end of November so if you want, I can move out then, or I will move out before then - you decide and let me know. He told me I could stay till November. But I decided to start house-hunting nonetheless.
A couple of days later, when I was in office, I got a call from my cousin brother, asking me about this incident. I told him what happened - explained to him that they only reason this whole thing has come up now, is because we didn't pay the guard that Rs. 100. Until that time, my 'friend' used to come to my place at least 2-3 times a week and stay over. But after that incident, he hardly came like 1-2 times a month. Yet this was brought to light then, and not before.
My cousin's major concern was about our family reputation and about what society would say especially if my aunt and uncle found out. I told him not to worry and that if anyone did find out I would explain things to them, and I am sure they will see sense in it simply because I hadn't committed a crime!
News travels, so soon another cousin of mine called me to tell me that I should tell my parents and my aunt and the whole world simply to avoid any problems. I simply said, if I need to ever tell them I will, but I don't think this is any of their concern.
Don't get me wrong, I love my cousins to death, but in some things, I guess we don't (or didn't) see eye-to-eye.
I said to myself: I am an adult and can handle this myself. I'm not a school girl who needs to tell her mummy and daddy about something that has happened, before the teacher tells them.
That day I decided, never again involving family members to help me with such things, at least in India. I was angry, and upset and felt really alone. I then turned to my friends, many of whom were bachelors and had found accommodation for themselves. One of them helped me with a real estate agent's number and I started taking one of my other friends to see the places with me.
My mom often asked me, why not just go back to the estate agent who helped you get the first house. I said, cause I don't want people spying on me or keeping a check on every move I made!
I often wonder, what are we teaching our next generation, it is ok to have girls over, and not guys? And then we talk about gender equality? How? I have always had closer guy friends than girl friends - so that means I could never have friends at my place.
I soon realized this was true unless you told your broker very personal details about your life, or maybe lied about it! More about that in my next post!
On Netflix, there are a number of documentaries, one of them in particular stood out - Bachelor Girls. Reading the summary, I knew it was about single girls in Mumbai trying to find accommodation. The first thought in my mind was 'been there, done that, let's give this a miss'. Then for some reason, I decided to watch it. Kind of glad I did, cause it gave me major throwback to some years ago when I was in that situation.
I decided to share my story today, simply because things need to change. If you want 'women empowerment', and 'equality at the workplace', it needs to start with the basics. So here goes...
In November 2012, I moved to Mumbai, my mother's city, after landing a job with one of the fastest growing financial groups in India. When I moved, my mom wanted me to live with her sister. I insisted that I wanted my own place and my father and sister supported me!
I stayed with my aunt for about a month or 2 and then decided to 'fly from the nest'. Of course since it was my first accommodation, on my own, living alone, in a big city, everyone jumped on-board to help make sure I had a 'safe' and 'known' place to move into. One of my aunt and uncle's friend was a real estate agent and he helped me find a place which was a 10 minutes walk from their house.
My parents were a bit at ease that I was near enough to them that if needed I had help nearby. I agreed. So In January 2013, I moved into my own place.
Having my own place was fun. Living in a city on my own was even more fun. My weekends were spent either with my friends or with my cousins and my house had become the 'adda' house or the place to hang out - especially for me and my then best friend (who was a guy). So since February, I would often have either my friends, or my cousins over. In May, we decided to have a cousins meet-up at my place because my sister had come down from Delhi.
My cousin brother, who is a well known doctor in the area, had parked his car inside our complex (he had done this countless times before). The watchman (an old man, who was always high on something) came up and told us it is not allowed (first time in 5 months he decided to come tell us that). He said he wanted Rs. 100 to let the matter go. I was going to just give it to him so the matter ends there, but my brother reminded me that it is basically him bribing us for something that wasn't even against the rules or anything. So we decided not to give in and told him to go tell whoever he had to. My cousin knew many people in the building so was sure it wouldn't become an issue.
Sure enough, that never became an issue. But my landlord did reach out to me. He said 'the guard has told me you keep having friends over, in particular a man..' I cut him off and said 'yes, I do have friends over, but recently, I've only had my cousins over'. He ended the conversation by telling me to just inform him about the next time I have any friend over.
Personally I felt it was a violation of my privacy, but I didn't bring up the topic with any of my family members who helped me get the house, simply because I felt I didn't want to hurt them with such a trivial issue.
Unfortunately, a couple of days later, my grandmother passed away. I was out of town for around a week. When I came back, I decided to try and not have friends over, simply because I didn't like the idea of having to constantly tell someone about every move I made. I was 26 years old and working as a Deputy Manager - I shouldn't have had to tell a stranger about who I chose to meet in my house.
I still did it a few times (twice). The third time, my landlord came to the house and asked me - you have a man in the house. I was quite shocked. I told him I have already told you about my friend being here. He just simply told me 'this is not your house, if you want to do such things, you need to leave this place. Give me your notice and go. I can otherwise take it up with the broker who connected me to your aunt and uncle and you'.
I had had enough. I told him ok, my lease is over at the end of November so if you want, I can move out then, or I will move out before then - you decide and let me know. He told me I could stay till November. But I decided to start house-hunting nonetheless.
A couple of days later, when I was in office, I got a call from my cousin brother, asking me about this incident. I told him what happened - explained to him that they only reason this whole thing has come up now, is because we didn't pay the guard that Rs. 100. Until that time, my 'friend' used to come to my place at least 2-3 times a week and stay over. But after that incident, he hardly came like 1-2 times a month. Yet this was brought to light then, and not before.
My cousin's major concern was about our family reputation and about what society would say especially if my aunt and uncle found out. I told him not to worry and that if anyone did find out I would explain things to them, and I am sure they will see sense in it simply because I hadn't committed a crime!
News travels, so soon another cousin of mine called me to tell me that I should tell my parents and my aunt and the whole world simply to avoid any problems. I simply said, if I need to ever tell them I will, but I don't think this is any of their concern.
Don't get me wrong, I love my cousins to death, but in some things, I guess we don't (or didn't) see eye-to-eye.
I said to myself: I am an adult and can handle this myself. I'm not a school girl who needs to tell her mummy and daddy about something that has happened, before the teacher tells them.
That day I decided, never again involving family members to help me with such things, at least in India. I was angry, and upset and felt really alone. I then turned to my friends, many of whom were bachelors and had found accommodation for themselves. One of them helped me with a real estate agent's number and I started taking one of my other friends to see the places with me.
My mom often asked me, why not just go back to the estate agent who helped you get the first house. I said, cause I don't want people spying on me or keeping a check on every move I made!
I often wonder, what are we teaching our next generation, it is ok to have girls over, and not guys? And then we talk about gender equality? How? I have always had closer guy friends than girl friends - so that means I could never have friends at my place.
I soon realized this was true unless you told your broker very personal details about your life, or maybe lied about it! More about that in my next post!
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